Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
