There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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