3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
