eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
