I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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