i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
