Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
So vagazzling was a success
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
