i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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