I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
