i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
