Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
