I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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