You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
