I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
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