So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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