Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
