I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
