you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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