my phone needs a breathalizer
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize