I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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