I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
