You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
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All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
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she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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