the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
