No awkward lesbian experiences without me
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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