The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
