Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
