I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
