I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?