Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
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Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
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I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.