im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
