That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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