I just saw a hot homeless man
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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