The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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