If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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