um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
