How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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