Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
as a side note pls kill me
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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