My friends, they love my intelligence
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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