oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
