If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
you traded sex for a burrito?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
