dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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