Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
