I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
