I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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