Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Oh god it's open bar.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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