I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
