My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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