I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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