i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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