I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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