"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
