you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
