the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
