Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
