so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
