I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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