I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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