there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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