I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
