Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
