Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
