I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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